It’s been 20 years, to the day I believe, since my relationship with a narcissist died. I remember lying on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably as my brother held me, grieving for the person I had lost…myself. I had spent 66 months loving someone who, in reality, wasn’t the man whom I thought he was. He had spent 4 years, before this, carving out a sculpture of the man he wanted to portray to me. I can’t tell you if he did this on purpose or subconsciously, but was I partly responsible for the survival of the narcissism?

The definition of a narcissist is: “a person who admires himself or herself too much, especially their appearance”; “a person who has a condition in which they are only interested in themselves and what they want, and have a strong need to be admired and a lack of understanding of other people’s feelings.” (https://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/definition/english/narcissist).

One might wonder why anyone would waste their time on a narcissist. I mean there are hundreds of articles, perhaps even thousands, which have been written about the traits that make up the personality disorder, narcissism, which was named after Narcissus, “the mythological figure who fell in love with his own reflection.” (https://www.britannica.com/science/narcissism). There are also numerous psychologists who discuss narcissism ad nauseam on social media platforms such as Instagram and YouTube. So, with all this information literally at our fingertips, why would we fall for a narcissist? Firstly, information about these egomaniacs was not readily available until fairly recently. Secondly, narcissists do not show their true self right away. They are, indeed, quite clever…up to a point.

Looking back, the first ‘red flag’ came when he asked me to mail a job application for him. He did not get this particular job, so blamed me for not sending the document out in time. In true gaslighting form, he managed to convince me that it was my fault why he had not been awarded the position he thought he deserved. Deep down, however, I knew that I had posted the package on the day he had given it to me and that I’d mailed it first class. For five and a half years, he held what was his own failure over my head, casting blame where it did not belong. It was a repeated source of trauma throughout our relationship and I kept it alive by facilitating the narcissism. Of course, I didn’t even know what a narcissist was back then, but I did recognise that something was just not right.

Narcissists are good at isolating their victims. They like to keep you locked away from your friends. After all, someone might figure out what they are doing to you and might call them out on their behaviour. Narcissists do not like to be called out on their behaviour. If you start, they’ll convince you that you’re being paranoid or delusional. They have a better chance of controlling you when they have you all to themselves. Yet, they cannot survive with only your attention. They need the recognition and praise of everyone else in their lives – their family, friends, work colleagues and basically anyone who crosses their path.

Despite the valid skills a narcissist might possess, he or she must invent those he or she does not truly have. He (going with ‘he’ for ease in reading) might be some kind of scientist, for instance, but being recognised for this is simply not enough. He needs to be praised for his acuity in martial arts and music, let’s say. And if he does come across someone who is in fact a master of either of these, he will brag about how skilled he is because he actually believes it! Delusional? Perhaps. Does he care? No. He doesn’t care because he is unaware of the one-way relationship he has formed with himself. He likely prides himself on the multiple ‘incredible’ relationships he believes he has acquired throughout his life and if people leave, it will always be their fault, not his own.

This relationship was not my only encounter with a narcissist. I recently walked away from a situation whereby the narcissist spent almost two years ‘grooming’ my loyalty towards him, under the guise of doing it for the people whom his organisation serves. The difference here is that it was a professional relationship, rather than a personal one, making it a lot easier to see the woods from the trees. Also, social media is now an intricate part of our lives, so there is tangible proof of said narcissistic behaviour through emails, WhatsApp messages and voice notes. Unlike two to three decades ago, I knew for certain that what I believed was taking place was indeed taking place. I had proof.

So, what happens to these narcissists in the end? Do they ever change? Do they ever get their comeuppance?

The story goes that Narcissus, who was mesmerised by his own reflection, could not drag himself away from a pool of water and eventually died from starvation and thirst. How does this relate to real life? Starve the narcissist out. Narcissists cannot survive without victims.