Death is a sure thing in life, but we are rarely, if ever, prepared for it.

My grandparents lost their daughter in a car accident in the early 1970s.  She was in her early thirties, the older sister to my dad and their two younger sisters.  It was devastating for them all and I don’t know how they managed to carry on with life, but I suspect they did so because they had to.  They had to continue for one another and for the little people who were recent additions to the family.  Less than twenty years later, I was almost fifteen.  I recall my grandmother saying that no one knew what it was like to lose a child, unless you’d lost one yourself.  That was all.  No words could be used to reply to this statement, as her words had said it all.  She had lost a child.  My Dad and his sisters had lost their sister.  It was a chilling moment for me.  It still is.

The loss of any loved one is crushing.  The inexplicable pit you feel inside yourself leaves you confused and helpless.  There are no explanations, regardless of the cause of death.  Religious people say it’s “god’s will”, which seems to help some, but it doesn’t actually take away the pain of missing the person who has died, the pain of knowing the loved one was robbed of his or her life.

For atheists, like myself, the words “god’s will” are empty and can be maddening to those who are in mourning.  Sometimes, it is best just to acknowledge that the death of a loved one sucks.  It sucks.  Whether it’s your child, sibling, parent, grandparent, spouse, cousin, friend, colleague, or your ex, it sucks.

What on earth do you do next?  How do you move on from this?  No one knows, not unless they’ve had a similar experience, and even then, no two people nor situations are the same.  In fact, no two moments are the same, so what works for you one minute, might not work for you the next.  Each second that passes is another second you survived and it’s horrible, until one day it might not feel as horrible.  When does that day come?  You don’t know, until it does.

What can those of us around you do?  We can be there to listen, to talk, to embrace, to scream, to cry, to sit and just be present.  We can remember that after funerals and memorials, you are still mourning each moment you live without your loved one.  We can check in on you, for years to come.  We will be present when you need us and even when you say you don’t need us.

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