You should be celebrating, like everyone else, but you’re not.  They took out that benign brain tumour; they cut out the mass pressing on your spinal cord; they removed both of your breasts; they zapped or poisoned the lingering cancer cells; they prevented your heart from failing; they found drugs to keep your autoimmune illness at bay, sort of.  Yet you know it’s not the end.  It will never be the end.

So, the synapses in your brain are working overtime.  After all, your brain is in charge of everything you do, say, think and feel.  It speaks to every muscle, nerve and cell in your body.  Your brain is the control centre of you.  It is making you acutely aware of what is going on in every part of your body.  This is not the case for everyone, but when you’ve woken up inside the realisation that your body has failed to be what the healthy version of it should be, your brain suddenly becomes wise to just how precious health and life are.  You no longer give a fuck about a chipped fingernail, unwaxed leg hair, the fool who disagrees with your ethics, the argumentative colleague, the traffic jam, the broken plate…..you get my drift.

Everyone else is still celebrating, however.  You had a close call.  The outcome could have been so much worse.  You could have died.  You are still alive.  Yeah, they cured you!  And that is what other people see.  They are happy.  It makes them feel much better to know that you are okay.  And to be honest, that’s okay.  Why shouldn’t they get to feel good about all of this?  Why should they be burdened with a bit of realism?  You decide you will simply keep your mouth shut and play along with it.  Perhaps doing so will cure you completely.  You will remain in remission forever and nothing bad will come back, nor grow back.

Positivity and hope absolutely go a long way when it comes to making the most of enjoying each moment you are alive, and you can continue to have a wonderful and joyful life.  But the reality of medical science remains.  It should not be dismissed.  Prognoses have been studied and you cannot avoid how these make you feel.  You need the support of those who love and care about you.  They need the information, so that they may help you.  Hiding it all under the rug that rests beneath your bed is not realistic.  The mound of worry will soon begin to show.

It is not your responsibility to make everyone else feel better.  Trust me, they will survive this!  In fact, you will find that some people do want to be there for you, whenever and forever.  Be wise and let them be there, because your journey will be long, even if it’s shorter than you’d have liked.

emmadaltonbrown@gmail.com